Student Outreach Officer:

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Good morning campers! Welcome to your first day at Camp Speculation! I’m the Student Outreach Officer and I’m the voice of your camp. Did you sleep well? Of course you did, anyone with that amount of Methyprylon in their system would. But in any case, I genuinely hope you had a safe and clandestine trip to our little camp.

Now first things first: If you or a bunkmate is in possession of any type of outside technology such as but not limited to cellphones, wristwatches, laser pointers, tablets or sundials, please report to your nearest security officer personnel. Your cooperation is integral with the prime directive.

With formalities out of the way please look to your left, and right, then behind you. These other inductees will be your new family, so be respectful and helpful to each other. You will come to depend on one another as the camp goes on. Loyalty is key, unless of course they are in possession of prohibited technology, then a turn in reward of a free molar replacement will be mandatory for you and your cabinmates. But remember, ‘teamwork makes the dream work!’

I’ll let you in on a little secret: At the end of orientation there is going to be a “freshman hunt” where all the upperclassmen chase the freshmen through the camp. I love a little hazing, but I have to warn you if you jump the fence to the outside of the camp, you’ll be in real trouble. IF you make it past the barbed wire then you might be susceptible to punishment by the staff. They hate it when freshmen try to leave.

I know it’s tempting to escape the gas masks and hooks of the upperclassmen but you’ll just have to deal with it for the night. Behind the mess hall is the most popular freshman hiding place, so try somewhere else. I recommend the bonfire area, as upperclassmen have been bred to fear open flames. You’ll know its worked when they squeal wildly and run off to find easier prey.

The freshmen hunt ends at dawn so good luck campers!

Now it’s time for the camp bulletin, where we highlight the new clubs and activities that have been introduced. Listen up freshmen, you’ll want to hear some of these.

First we have Archery, taught by Mr.Torres our survival teacher. This class prepares you for the fine art of archery. The curriculum goes over various arrows, bow, and laser types as well as the best spots for big game hunting. Mr.Torres assures me that his class will have all of the best equipment and techniques on hand. His class is fifth period in the woods behind the crematorium. Plus it counts as a english credit. Wait what?

Second is an old class that was brought back, forensics. Taught by Ms.Sullivan the curriculum was discontinued about five years ago. The then head counselor of the camp disliked the curriculum saying it was to “suspicious and undermining” to continue. Ms.Sullivan was then banished to the home ec. Class until the coup last year, ousting the old head counselor, Keith Boyd, and instating a new staff in the old ones place. Ms.Sullivan was brought back and forensics was reinstated in the curriculum. This class will be held in the main courtyard, next to the beehives that are still there from last year. Upperclassmen you know the ones I’m talking about.

Finally is Toxicology, taught by Mrs. Wilder. This class will examine poisons and toxins that are native to this area, this includes various fungi, plants, and animals. Mrs. Wilder charismatically put it, ‘my class has a 100% funtality rate’ to which I said ‘maybe I’ll join the class as well.’ this was met with a blank stare by Mrs.Wilder she looked neither angry nor happy, but a lapse in emotion. She stood up and in a metallic voice said, ‘thank you student no. 530469 for your cooperation’ I guess she forgot to say the interview was over, as she walked out of the room and into the current of moving students, late for their next class. Toxicology will be held in the stairwell where the cool kids smoke during assemblies.

Whelp those are the classes up for grabs in the next semester, make sure to get those forecasting sheets and get in before they fill up.

Man, I’ve almost bumped into the next timeslot. Thanks for listening campers, don’t forget to listen to me tomorrow at 3:52 am for more updates. Stay tuned for Bird Speculation: the PA systems only bird speculation propaganda block.

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Bird Speculation -- New Year, New Birds

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Hello bird enthusiasts, welcome to the new year of Bird Speculation. The only PA bird speculation timeblock at camp. Today’s timeblock is about Robins. As you know Robins are migratory songbirds who like to stay in the camp bathroom during assemblies. They aren’t cool enough to hang out in the stairwell where the cool kids smoke, so they hide in the bathroom doing whatever Robins do while skipping assemblies. They scavenge for grubs and bugs and whistle annoyingly while campers try to sleep. Why they are even whistling at night I don’t know. Then they borrow 20 bucks from you to pay protection money from the upperclassmen but get beaten up anyway and don’t pay you back. God damn Robins.

Robins have an orange underbelly, something that is very distinctive to them. Another thing that is distinctive about them is how fucking dumb robins are. They say ‘how you doing Joseph?’ even if they already know you had a horrible day getting bullied by the archery kids behind the crematorium. Like, what? You didn’t see the massive hole in my shoulder from when fucking Todd shot me with his compound laser-sight bow? Yeah Robins are pretty dumb. They always say they’ll write a little piece about herons for your PA block but you know the Robin would never actually do it.

Like if they really cared about your PA block maybe they’d talk about it with other people around. Yeah I noticed you never talk about Bird Speculation when your other friends are around, Robin. I guess you think this PA is dumb huh? Well you made a promise to me last year at Stacy's party in the stairwell where the cool kids smoke. Did that mean nothing to you, am I not cool enough to deserve your precious time?

I mean I’m sorry I didn’t try my best to get along with your friends, but they aren’t nice to you. They always say how much of a tool you are when you get them cigarettes from the medical tent. I hate that they do that to you, I just want you to be happy again like when we were in the middle school camp. Remember when we used to sit in that big tree and look for birds in the early morning? The sun would come up and the 6th graders would be let out of their coops and peck oats from the feeders. I loved doing that with you, it’s the inspiration for this show. But now you’re just moody and depressed all the time, hanging out with the slightly cool people in the bathroom during assemblies.

I guess if you still want to hang out with those people who call you a tool then you can. It’s not my business who you hang with. But just remember that I’ll always be that nerdy birdwatcher who will be rooting for you during the badminton tournaments. I love you Robin.

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Writer's Corner -- First Semester Opener

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Hello listeners it’s the New Year of Camp Edition of Writer’s Corner. I’m the host of this PA block, student no.003452. For longtime listeners it more of the same as last year, but for our incoming freshmen this is a PA block meant specifically for student submitted short stories. So if you have a story you want to tell, just email me at 003452@hotmale,com.

Now for our very own Lena Prince with her fantasy epic: ‘Lore Master’

We’ve been following Aste for about five hours now. Our guide is a special kind of boi. She has the telltale mask and wordless murmurings of the bois but she still has her wits and her humane air. My illustrator, Magret, has been duly drawing the flora and fauna of the area around our destination. And I have been doing my share of writing for this encyclopedia of the Bois Realm.

We’re just coming up to a clearing. A large boi is sitting with what looks like a chain in its mouth. Aste doesn’t seem to hesitate to walk over and pet it. She pets the demons of this realm, though to her credit the boi is in the shape of a large dog. The boi greets her warmly. Me and Magret are still in the trees out of sight of the boi. Magret swiftly drawing the giant dog in her sketchbook. I’m writing this now, but the boi is facing us, and now walking forward.

It’s maybe an hour after that encounter. Magret and I are a bit scratched up but nothing a hot fire and boiling soup won’t fix. The boi was hostile, he swung the chain around which was attached to a large macehead. We ran as fast as we could around the arc of the ball. The boi continued to attack us, swinging the ball and wreaking the clearing around him. He howled with a beastly ferocity that shook me to the core. I myself am still calming down, Magret and Aste seem less concerned with how the boi ran off into the forest, leaving us panting and horrified. He’s definitely still out there, maybe just behind that knoll.

Now that some food has been made, Aste’s laying down and presumably sleeping. Magret’s going over the drawings she’s accrued over the day. I am planning our next move, though privately I question the security of this venture. I know that danger was part of the quest we are on, but now it seems so real…

That isn’t how I should think. If I can finish this encyclopedia and escape the realm of the bois, then this will be a huge success in the literary and scientific world back home. For now I’ll just have to continue onward.

There it was, the first part of Lena Prince's new story Lore Master. Next up: A word from our staff.

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